"Hey wait... is it 1994?"

That's you or me about 2 seconds into "closer to god"* off of the EP of the same name, the mini-album containing more versions of nine inch nails' hit song "closer" than you can count on one hand. Unless you have six fingers on that hand -- in which case I guess you could.

"Hmmm... I think it IS 1994."

That's you or me about 10 seconds into the disc. It's all coming back now. It's middle school. A music store. A cool-looking single with a centipede on it. Or a millipede. We didn't really care about specifics in 1994. Unwrapping the CD in the bedroom. Preparing for a journey into the unexplored country of halo nine, the mysterious land of the six mystical "closer" remixes.

"Yes, it's 1994... and it rules!!"

By the middle of track one, you are in a full-on time-travel groove. You may not have even been born yet in 1994, but trust me when I say that that's exactly what this CD is: a supernaturally-fueled excursion to the darkened bedroom of a teenager in the full throes of 1994 ecstacy.

I don't know where Mr. Reznor got the idea to release this single as an almost album-length collection of remixes, mostly of one song. Perhaps he slipped on his fishnets one day and had a vision of God telling him the True Path to Greatness. Whatever it was, teenagers in darkened bedrooms everywhere (and those channeling them) salute you, Trent! Though it may have been unintentional (and it's not like Reznor remixed all these tracks himself), the decision to tweak and retweak one song into infinity plays to Trentbob's strengths even more than traditional albums or singles do. On your average nine inch nails release, do his lyrics sometimes seem weak upon scrutiny? Yes. Do his lyrics sometimes seem suspiciously like he cut and pasted a few paragraphs from his LiveJournal and ran the last word of every line through an automatic rhyming dictionary? Yes. But when one song's lyrics are repeated over and over and OVER again, they take on new meanings. One finds oneself thinking "wow, he really DOES wanna fuck me like an animal!" It's fractal, man!

Really, the whole thing just plays like one long song. In a good way. Not that there aren't spaces between the tracks. Hell, they aren't even all remixes of the same song. Whenever a change up is needed, T-Bone throws on something non-closer as a palette cleanser. This also helps the lyrics, as one finds oneself thinking "waitaminute, is this a different song? MIND-BLOWING."

Tracks 1 through 4 fuck you like a very fast animal, in rapid succession. They're not particularly short or fast, mind you, but they flow well, and you hardly notice you've listened to the same song 3 times (track 4 is a remix of "heresy"). The first real mood-breaker here is the blast of sequenced farts that is the intro to track 5, the cover of Soft Cell's "memorabilia." Not to say it's bad, but if you were making dirty 1994 love to your woman to this CD, track 5 might throw you off your game and lead to some sort of sprain-like injury. It is, mayhap, the most skippable track. Then again, when you get back up, dust yourself off, and resume humping, the driving beat and "I have been inside you / I know what it feels like!" lyrics might lead to some hot, wet poundage. Everybody wins!

So after you've had your 1994gasm, showered, cuddled, and tucked in for a good night's sleep, you realize that - WHOA - there are still more "closer" remixes coming your way! "closer (internal)" isn't quite as inspired as some of the other remixes (it sounds, to me, like they ran it through the "NIN REMIX" filter in protools but forgot to turn up the "AWESOMENESS" dial), but it gets your crotch in the mood for another solid round of hot "closer" remix action. Don't get too worked up, though, "march of the fuckheads" is nowhere near as much fun as it sounds. Nor does it sound anything like a remix of "march of the pigs." Sounds more like a dude tweaking on one drum sample for a few minutes, then leaving the computer on autopilot for a few more while he catches up on some reading in the bathroom.

Track 8, though, finally delivers a fresh dose of that wacky "closer" remix heroin we got all addicted to during the first awesome stretch of the CD. This one ("closer (further away)") has it all -- crazy panning, female moaning samples, wacky vocal effects, machinery samples, huge changes in energy levels, and a satisfying climax. It doesn't have the direction or sense of purpose of some of the nobler "closer" remixes found here, but it should sufficiently satiate your zombie-like hunger for more "closer" remixes.

The disc ends (ENDS! 1994 MIND BLOWN!) with the original version of "closer," complete with extra long "BOOM BAFF BOOM BAFF" opening and all the "fuck"s they removed from the radio and MTV versions. It comes as both a breath of fresh, 1994 air, and as a track that sounds a little more straightforward than you remember it (that's because you just listened to 5 other, far weirder, versions). The track ends with that little piano part that Trent played on that little piano while hanging from the ceiling in the video. And then you think to yourself,

"That was nice."

And you put the CD away, not to be listened to for another five years, as you are now totally sick of "closer."

Overall, the "closer to god" EP really works well for what it is. The remixes, for the most part, don't seem tossed off. There's obviously been some thought put into the sequencing. It plays like its own album, and is relatively effective as one, when you consider the limitations of the form Trendog imposed upon himself. The whole affair drags a little in the third quarter, but Dr. Reznor manages to pull it out in the last inning and fuck you like an animal a few more times.

You probably know already if this CD is for you. You probably know just by looking at the tracklist. But if you want to take a magical excursion to the land of 1994 via the Nine Inch Nails Trentsportation System, this EP is an effective and often-overlooked route.