SEX
VS. VIDEO GAMES:
THE ETERNAL STRUGGLE
by
Nick Burgess
Originally published on superradiox.com in 2002.
Revised in 2004.
_____IF
I ASKED you "Which
would you rather have, dear reader, sex or video
games?", you would say sex. And then I would
leave, I guess, without any material for my column.
The end.
_____Just
kidding! Ha! Had you there, didn't I? No,
my friend, there is more to the story than that.
In reality, when evaluated point by point, video
games do have many compelling and underappreciated
properties that are lacking in sex. For instance,
save points! Yup, it's a fact folks: most women
don't like being left naked on the bed for a few
hours while you catch lunch and the Saturday afternoon
showing of Back to the Future 2 on TBS. But
Super Mario All-Stars doesn't care if you
take a month long break mid-game! Nay! She'll still
be hot 'n' bothered when you come back, ready to
take on world 8 with a newfound vigor. Women are
not so forgiving, except maybe Samus: she actually
rewards you for finishing faster. Show me
a sex partner like that and I'll show you one surprised
writer! But, then again, even the best action game
won't give you any real action. It's an age-old
conundrum: which is better, sex or video games?
_____Throughout
the 1980s game developers tried to solve this dilemma
by combining the two. Had they known, these horny
old game developers probably would have invested
their cash and gone into hibernation for twenty
years: erotic games on the Gamecube or Playstation
2 would be IN-TENSE (to paraphrase that cool
kid from the old Zelda commercial)! Unfortunately,
the aspiring pornographers blew their monetary wad
on an assortment of crappy and completely unarousing
Atari 2600 and NES games, including Beat 'Em
and Eat 'Em, Knight on the Town, Bubble
Bath Babes, and Peek-a-Boo Poker. Hot Slots,
one of my favorites, simulates a real life slot
machine! Only, instead of money, you win NES-quality
pictures of scantily-clad ladies! And if you're
lucky enough to somehow randomly win about $450
(there's no skill involved and it's nearly impossible
-- just like a real casino, without the real
scantily-clad women!), you'll see a pixelated, 8-bit
image of a woman with NO CLOTHES ON!! Whoa!
_____The
best part of Hot Slots is the assortment of sexy
lines the girls use to tempt the player. It's almost
as if they know just how much badly-translated puns
turn me on! "Hi, I'm Lucky Lucy!," says
Lucky Lucy, one of the many alluring damsels, "I
can see you've got some stiff competition in your
hends." Oooh, baby. You know it. My hends
are trembling now! The best line, however, is from
the screen pictured to the right. "Wow, what
a manly player!" whispers the curvaceous lady
as we lay in her garden of purple flowers and tar,
"Are you going to rack up my charries?"
Oh, I'll rack up your charries, baby. You just stay
right where you are, floating in that sexy black
void in your little fuscia bikini. It's really a
shame that Panesian Taiwan Co., Ltd. isn't making
games anymore after farting out such indelible gems
as Hot Slots.
Are
you going to rack up her charries?
A scene from the classic Hot Slots.
_____The
adult rack at the video game store was left unravaged
by the seemingly frigid gaming community. Perhaps
it was the $50 price tag that handicapped Panesian's
masterpieces in a world where you can get Victoria's
Secret catalogs with actual pictures
of nearly naked women for free. Whatever the reason,
game companies began incorporating sex into ther
games somewhat less blatantly, hoping to capture
the horny demographic without scaring off the grandparent,
nun, or 18th century Puritan immigrant market.
_____For
instance, everybody knows Eidos' lovable mascot
Lara Croft. But, did you know that she was designed
with somewhat larger than average bosoms!?
Indeed, those tricky designers at Eidos spiked 1996's
Tomb Raider with a few extra cup sizes in
the hopes that gamers would be hooked and come back
for another fix in the sequels. That gamers did,
in droves, and Boobmania™ swept the nation.
Exhibit
A: Firebird's Booty.
Exhibit B: Random rump.
_____The
back of the box of the Amstrad CPC game Booty
purports that "[You] can get rich on the pirate
treasure hidden in 150 holds of the galleon,"
but we all know what this game is really
about -- firm, round, sexplocious buttocks!
Developer Firebird knew what they were doing by
slapping "Booty" on the box of their new
home adventure. The pirate bursting so menacingly
forth from the front cover is just a bonus illustration
meant to entice the kiddies and retired plunderers.
"Booty" means booty.
_____The
only way, it seems, that this conflict will ever
be resolved is by a combination of video games
and sex that retains the desirable aspects of
both activities. To imagine such a perfect combo,
one must possess an understanding of just what
is so attractive about these great American
pastimes. If everyone reading along at home would
please open his or her copy of the Kama Sutra,
we may begin our investigation into the nature
of sex (if you don't already know what's so great
about video games, you should stop reading this
now and go sit in the basement and think about
what you've done with your life). The Kama
Sutra (by esteemed author and probable video game
player Mallanaga Vatsyayana) is loaded with wisdom
on the subjects of love and lovemaking, and many
funny, funny pictures. Let us meditate on this
passage from the ancient sex book of yore:
"MAN
is divided into three classes, viz. the hare man,
the bull man,
and the horse man, according to the size of his
lingam.
WOMAN
also, according to the depth of her yoni,
is either a female
deer, a mare, or a female elephant."
_____Readers,
please turn your Kama Sutra to Part 2:
On Sexual Union, undoubtedly the most popular
chapter (though I hear Part 5: About Courtesans,
features an unbelievably exciting car chase way
ahead of its time). By studying this chapter, we
will find that one can gain a great knowledge on
the congress of the cow and the congress of the
dog, but, for some reason, nothing about the congress
of the Cube or the congress of the Turbografx 16.
I propose that what is needed (by the human race)
is a new sexual position (that incorporates my Atari)
for the twenty-first century (and beyond!). With
this in mind, I have created my own sexual position,
complete with its own Vatsyayana-esque name ("congress
of the Deadly Llama in Jogging Shorts"). Note
that the Deady Llama in Jogging Shorts position
brings pleasure of lovemaking to both partners,
while leaving the hands free for such important
matters as finding that last star in Mario 64.
The woman will enjoy this position as well, as she
is able to watch you rack up the charries in Hot
Slots, and she will surely be even more turned
on once she sees how slick you are with the joystick.
_____The
conflict of sex versus video games may never be fully
resolved, but I believe our little discussion here
has brought the issue into a deeper focus and a
brighter spotlight than before, and laid the arguments
out on more satiny sheets and oiled it with more
expensive lotions. Yes, we have rocked the issues
harder than ever before, and found the spots that
just make the lingering questions go wild with ecstasy
and beg for more. It was good for me, and I'm sure
the Earth moved for society as well.
