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Super
Radio X Presents...
HOW TO IMPRESS WOMEN (EVEN IF YOU'RE A GEEK) |
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"Deodorant
is a friend for all seasons"
...and 16 Other Romantic Rules
to Live By
by
Sarah MacDonald November 2005
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| _____GATHER
AROUND, GENTLEMEN, I promise this is a list
you will be interested in reading. I got the humanitarian
itch and decided to write something that could really
help you out. Men's magazines are all fluff--they
don't love you like I do, baby. Read this list if
you aren't finding the kind of advice you're looking
for in FHM. This is an all-inclusive list, too--you’ll
find the big stuff as well as the minutiae. Oh yeah,
I've included some pictures for those of you with
aversions to text. So read on, boys. This one’s
for you. |
Rule 1: Don’t be desperate!
_____This
is an important one. I know that it is hard to act
cavalier when your brain keeps flashing “me
wantee!” in red neon lights. But do your best
to keep a safe distance. Don’t phone if she
says she’s busy. Try not to e-mail again until
she’s sent her reply to the last one. And under
no circumstances should you show up at her place
uninvited. In case you didn’t know, that’s
the cliché wrong move.
|
Rule 2: When inviting a girl over, make sure
to have at least one roll of toilet paper.
_____Dude,
take this one seriously. I’m not advocating
a total Martha Stewarting of your bachelor pad,
after all you shouldn’t start a relationship
under false pretenses. But try to show a little
consideration--display both toilet paper and hand
soap in the loo, have a few edible and drinkable
things to offer your guest, and take the trash out
before she arrives. Practice selective cleaning--take
your dirty BVDs off the floor, but don’t worry
too much if you don’t have time to vacuum.
You’ll find that in cleaning (as well as relationships),
it’s the little things that really count. |
"Take your dirty BVDs off the floor... in
cleaning (as well as relationships), it’s
the little things that really count."
|
Rule 3: Don’t name your RPG character after
her until you’re in a committed relationship.
_____This
is really a bullet point under Rule 1. I know you
boys out there might be tempted to do this, but
I believe it’s something worth waiting for.
If you’re a couple, this kind of thing is cute
and endearing. But if you’re still just getting
to know each other, it will probably appear creepy.
This is a double no-no if your lady is not into
video games. It is doubtful that she’ll appreciate
the gesture--you’ll just sound like a dork
when describing it to her. Here’s my gift to
you: Gretta, Louise, Annabelle. Now you have some
alternatives, so there’s really no excuse!
|
"A
woman doesn’t want to be distracted by another
woman’s boobs when trying to make out with
her boyfriend on the couch." |
Rule 4: Don’t hide your stuff,
but don’t leave it lying about, either.
_____You
may find it hard to believe, but girls are not usually
thrilled to find pornos all over your coffee table.
It’s uncomfortable. A woman doesn’t want
to be distracted by another woman’s boobs when
trying to make out with her boyfriend on the couch.
But, don’t get me wrong, I don’t advocate
tossing your stash under the bed either. This just
leaves you open to even more awkwardness if she
happens upon it later. Put the porn on an out of
the way bookshelf with other magazines. This way,
it’s pretty inconspicuous, but you’re
not hiding anything.
Rule 4(a): This goes for you too,
fanboys.
_____In
place of “pornos,” substitute your decade’s
worth of Star Wars Insider, or your 300 NES
carts, if you must. Hopefully the woman you’re
interested in shares such interests. But let’s
just say she doesn’t. If you hide your humungous
accumulation of Mega Man memorabilia, and
your lady one day stumbles on a closet full of the
stuff…she might freak out. No one wants to
be surprised by something like that. If you ask
me (and by reading this, you more or less are),
it’s not honest to hide your beloved belongings.
Just try not to have it so overwhelming that she
trips on it in the hall, and you should be okay.
|
Rule 5: Brush your teeth thoroughly.
_____Hell
yeah, now we are getting down to the nitty gritty.
This is an important rule. Bad breath is the hugest
turnoff. Brush your tongue and your gums, not just
your teeth. And do this twice a day. Floss and use
mouthwash if you’ve got it. I’m not trying
to talk down to you and assume all men have halitosis.
I’m just reminding everyone of the importance
of good dental hygiene. No one wants to kiss a boy
with bad breath. |
Rule 6: Don’t exclude, include!
_____Consider
letting her pick out the movie or video game. If
she stops by while you’re playing Street
Fighter with your friend, ask her if she would
like to throw a few hadukens at M. Bison, as well.
Don’t just assume she wouldn’t be interested.
And if you schedule some v.g. time into your date,
offer a two-player. No one wants to sit idly and
watch you play Metal Gear Solid for two hours.
Trust me, it’s boring as hell. |
Rule 7: Don’t trust Maxim.
_____It’s
just not the right place to get your dating advice.
I know the type of suggestions men’s magazines
offer--“Show her that you care with a gift
certificate to a nice spa.” If my man gave
me this, I would see if I knew anyone I could sell
it to. Sorry lover, but that’s just about the
last thing I want. It ranks just barely above Superbowl
tickets. It’s the kind of gift that reeks of
Mother’s Day. The only real advice is to know
your girlfriend. Ask her what types of things she
likes if you don’t know. Pay attention to the
items she ogles at the mall. And be creative. You
have a brain…use it! |
"You
have a brain…use it!" |
Rule 8: Confidence is key.
_____Not
everyone can be born as naturally sexy as Patrick
Swayze or Judge Reinhold. (Allow me my oblique taste,
please). Just make the most of what you’ve
got. Shower. Wear clean clothes. Embrace your style,
don’t try to change it. Highlight your best
features (i.e. nice butt=tight pants, sexy hair=no
hat, nice kinda muscley arms=short-sleeved shirt).
Don’t be afraid to be yourself, even if you’re
not exactly Rob Lowe or any of his hot brat pack
buds. |
Rule 9: Everyone likes clean sheets.
_____I
know that doing laundry sucks. But realistically,
sheets should be cleaned every other week. Or, an
absolute minimum of once a month, especially if
a woman is expected anywhere near your bedroom.
The sheets need not match or even properly fit.
Simply make sure they are clean, and you can thank
me later when you notice the amazing results in
your everyday dating life. |
Rule 10: Don’t tell me I
have nice eyes.
_____Don’t
compliment for compliments’ sake. A guy actually
once said to me, “I feel like I could swim
in your eyes.” Come on! What am I supposed
to say in response to that? “Well, I hope you
brought your bathing suit!” Most importantly,
speak honestly. Compliments are nice to give an
receive, but if they are empty, then they are worthless.
Rule 11: Don’t write secret
admirer e-mails.
_____It’s
completely juvenile. If you like someone, you should
tell them so. Women don’t want to be hit on
my electronic text. Even if a love e-mail seems
like a good idea to you, just give it five minutes
of thought and I’m sure you will realize how
wrong you were. It’s even a step below the
embarrassingly immature love note. At least the
note requires thought and guts. The e-mail careless
and weak, as well as generally creeptastic. |
A
guy actually once said to me, “I feel like
I could swim in your eyes.”
What am I supposed to say in response to that?
“Well, I hope you brought your bathing suit!”
|
Rule 12: Talk with her, not at
her.
_____Don’t
go on and on about the science of midi-chlorians
if she’s never seen Star Wars. While
it’s good to share your interests with the
one you love, it’s not to your advantage to
pontificate if she can’t join in the conversation.
If you notice that you’ve been talking for
a while and all she’s done is nod, take this
as a hint to change the subject. Ask her something
about herself. I’m not going to suggest that
you “act interested.” Let’s get rid
of all pretenses. Be interested. If this is difficult
for you, you might want to consider seeing other
people. |
Rule 13: Deodorant is a friend for all seasons.
_____Remember
what I said about bad breath? Well, it goes for
b.o. also. Soap, deodorant, and shampoo all exist
for a reason. Use them. Every day. Twice a day if
you like. Cologne and aftershave aren’t bad
little stocking stuffers, either. But use them sparingly,
or beware of backfire. You don’t want to end
up so clean you stink, either. |
"When
boarding the airplane of love, don’t pack
your bags with the remnants of your on-again,
off-again high school relationship."
|
Rule 14: Don’t be obsessed
with some girl from high school.
_____You
want to exist in the present, not the past. If you’re
just starting to date a girl, she probably doesn’t
even want to hear you mention an ex-girlfriend.
Only talk about them if she asks. If you want to
truly be open to new experiences, then maybe it’s
time you broke ties with beloved Ann-Marie, the
girl from debate team. When boarding the airplane
of love, don’t pack your bags with the remnants
of your on-again, off-again high school relationship.
Try distancing yourself from Ann-Marie. Don’t
talk to her for a couple years; it might help you
gain a new perspective. |
Rule 15: Don’t ask me if
you can kiss me.
_____Don’t
second guess yourself. If you think the mood is
right, just kiss her. Don’t ask! If you have
to ask, it’s probably not a good idea. Try
your best to pick up on her signals, if you can.
Instead of asking her questions (“Do you like
me?”), tell her how you feel (“I really
like you.”) She’s likely to respond with
her own feelings. |
Rule 16: Touch-a, touch-a, touch me!
_____Don’t
be too touchy- feely, but try a nice knee pat or
friendly brush of her hair. If you want to be more
than just friends, slip in a little pat during a
round of Mario 3, and you’ll see what
I mean. These subtle kinds of touches aren’t
overbearing but they show her that you’re interested.
Also, her reaction to these little touches can indicate
how she feels about you. |
_____And
there you have it, young padawan learners--the 16
romantic rules to live by. I never professed to
be the ultimate authority on the subject, but I
think I have a small bit of womanly expertise. And
what’s the fun of having expertise if you can’t
share it? Go out into the world now, little sheep,
and make use of all that you have learned!
SARAH
MACDONALD
enjoys composing sonnets and cheating at Duck
Hunt.
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